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After that came to a head, I asked him if we could hang out in a park near my house and read the Bible. He said yes and proceeded to steer the conversation back to the subject of sexual sin. A subject he discussed many times in all his Sunday sermons from that point on. He said that all men commit sexual sin daily. He went on to give very graphic examples. He opened the Bible and showed me passages chastising the sexual sin of men, much of which seemed to be his "interpretation." He, of course, expected me to automatically agree. He got me so unglued and agitated I didn�t know what to do. Than after he upset me greatly he said that he had to go. I was so unnerved that I didn�t want to get in the car with him. So I told him that I would walk. He hugged me and then went home. My mind was in shambles. The first man I ever really loved turned on me without warning. I didn�t know how to respond. I went back to the abyss. The Bible would call that being in the darkness. That is certainly how I felt. I talked to "Mark," a guy I had met in the church who was in the campus ministry. That was a big mistake. I told him (minus the name) about a guy who had upset me in the church, why he upset me, and how he upset me. I figured that I would get sympathy and understanding from him. I was wrong. He told me very nicely that I was told Bible-appropriate advice. When I said how hateful he was in his response, "Mark�s" reply was that good spiritual advice can seem hateful. The basic message was that as long as it had its roots in the Bible, a person can do or say anything he wanted to. I saw more evidence of that later. He was basically saying that it was all my fault because the Bible can not be wrong. This man�s lack of understanding sent me deeper into a depression. I next talked to a friend outside the church. A friend who was raised as a Christian and had gone to church. She helped a lot. She made me feel like I was being wronged, not wrong. I was starting to get out of the abyss. She was the voice of normalcy in a world that didn�t have any. She said Christianity is suppose to be a positive, self-improving experience. It is not suppose to make you feel worse. She encouraged me not to let that one man stop me from learning about Christianity or the church. At the time I doubted what she said because he was the church. If he said anything it was treated as Gospel. As though God was speaking. He had a very strong personality. Everyone knew that to cross him was to be "punished", verbally speaking. Everyone [knew that] but me it seemed. Tom was a very unusual person. When he felt good physically he thought nothing of telling people what to do. That seemed to be his job in the church: to tell other men what they should be doing. But he got sick very often: sinus problems mostly. That made it very hard for him to breathe. My heart went out to him when he was ill. Even though he caused me a lot of pain I still loved him. And wanted him to be happy. At the time I didn�t forgive his cruelty but amazingly I was able to put the pain he caused me aside. I could never forget the only man I felt ever loved me. He hugged me and made me feel loved. Nothing else seemed that important. Right before Christmas he was due to go to Florida to visit relatives. I guess I was inspired by Jesus� ability to forgive. So during the last midweek before he left I walked up to him and said "Regardless of anything I still love you." I hugged him. It felt so nice to feel loved again. He said he loved me and that when he got back we would talk. The way he said that sounded very ominous. Lucky for me and I guess unlucky for him when he was in Florida he became ill again. He returned to Boston the same way. Whatever talk we were going to have never materialized. He was so sick that he couldn�t make the Christmas party. I had a ball at the party. It is what I saw there that made me "forget" the pain Tom caused me. The men and women there were so loving to their children that it made me want to cry. I never saw that much love before. One man there named John had three sons. During the night they all came up to him and he hugged them. It was almost like they were taking turns. He was so loving to them. That really made me want to cry. I wanted what they had�love. My heart ached to be touched, loved and told that I am loved. The way people there acted seemed to be a real tribute to Jesus. The church was constantly saying�What would Jesus do in that situation? That is what you should do. During the party people acted that way. I desperately wanted to be a part of that. Nothing else mattered. After Tom came back from Florida and felt better his sermons returned in full force. As shocking and inappropriate as ever. [His preaching was] worthy of a Southern Baptist [church]. Amen-ing all over the place. He discussed the sins of materialism, status, and sex, being graphically specific on all these things as he was prone to do. During one sermon, he talked about commercials where the women actors turned him on. I think he was trying to show that even he was susceptible to sins of the flesh. I was so amazed that he had no problem discussing being turned on by another woman in an audience with his wife, her friends, and their sons. His sermons from that point on had one common theme: sexual sin. I suppose I should have realized if he doesn�t even think of his own family�s feelings, why would he care about mine. The last mid-week I went to made me realize that I shouldn�t go back to mid-weeks and maybe the BCC overall. We were all in a high school auditorium in the beginning. Then we broke into groups of men and women. The men were "lead" by Tom. There was also a man there named Mike acting as what I call co-preacher. (When I say co-preacher I mean it was his job, it seemed, to amen everything Tom said. One part coach, one part fellow mind controller.) It is very hard to dismiss what�s being spoken when everybody you care about is agreeing to it. That is how they get you. They get you to care and then make you feel worthless if you don�t agree with everything they say. And I mean everything. The whole meeting was about how men are always committing sexual sin. Basically to have a groin is to be committing sexual sin. He asked the guys what sexual sin was. They told him exactly what he wanted to hear in graphic detail. That made me realize that this is not the first time he came up with this subject. He told about how when he was a boy he constantly committed sexual sin by sleeping around. Mike who was amen-ing the whole time looked at the floor the whole time sexual sin was being discussed. What was particularly disturbing was he was talking about this with an 11-year-old boy in the room. One of the men brought his son there. He sat at the other end of the room but in hearing distance nonetheless. He basically heard that it was sinful to be male. I also thought again that the men in there were zombie robots. They said what was expected of them and nothing more. I knew I didn�t want to be anything like them but I didn�t want to give up the only love I received in my life from men. I felt that if I left it was a one way ticket back to loneliness and the abyss. New Years Eve 1997 came around. That time of year depresses me because I usually spend it alone. The "house church" had a party that went on until about 7 P.M. that night, after which I went back with my friend, John, and his three sons from the party to their house. We hung out, read the Bible and talked about life. He was very understanding and loving. What I always wished I had I had that night. He was so encouraging that I never wanted to leave. I knew that once I left I would probably never get that love again. He told me that all the things that he would fear in his life to happen had happened and he lived through them. He talked about everything in his life and how he was grateful to God for giving it to him. He said that whatever was going on in my life, God was the ultimate. And that my parents were inferior to him. The way he said it I believed it. Whenever I feel lonely and scared I remember that time and what he said. The rest of the night was a lot of fun. We talked and joked. It was nice. I left shortly before midnight after giving him a big hug. The first time I felt at peace and happy at the beginning of a new year. It was nice to feel that way. The next few months were pretty painful. I tried studying with other people. I thought that would be a good way to learn more about the Bible and get to know people. But the messages I was getting was, "stick to a few set people and stop moving around." I was giving the guilts by Tom and others about how I was not "serious" about studying the Bible. I was only using it to make friends, Tom used to imply. I started realizing this church wasn�t normal. I couldn�t understand why studying the Bible and making friends was a bad thing. Later I realized the problem was they figured out I had no intention of getting baptized. The resulting attitude from them was I was not "serious" enough about studying the Bible. The message was that if I couldn�t play by their rules I didn�t belong there. When I studied the Bible with another of my friends, one of the only non-judgmental friends I made in the church, the subject of women�s roles in life came up. There was a passage about women being submissive. I thought that was strange. He clarified the passage by saying that it was only meant to apply to bible teaching. He said that women were only meant to teach other women. And they were meant to be taught by men. I questioned it saying what�s wrong with learning from women. He said that he would not want to be taught spiritual lessons from a woman. I thought at that moment that he was very sexist. I realized that this lesson was not something that I could live with. Some of the most important lessons in my life were taught by women. I enjoy learning from them. I also know enough of life to know certain things. If an organization can keep one group of people down how long before I get treated the same way. Another time I asked a woman in the church about women�s roles in the bible. She whipped a Bible out and started quoting passages. Showing and teaching me the whole time. It was cool. She is a very smart lady. Her most interesting comment came after I made one to her. I said that "I enjoy hearing women�s opinions." Her response was that "That�s good. We do have opinions." That comment said to me my opinion of the Church�s sexism was not that far off the mark. The way she was so ready to say what was on her mind it was as though no one ever asked her opinion. Another time I went over the "family church" leader�s house to ask him a biblical question. At that time Tom was over his house and we talked. When I talked with the leader Tom came with us. That was not my idea. I thought, oh God I am in for it now. I was half right. I was in for it but from the family church leader. The family church leader started to answer my question. When he asked me how often I had been reading the Bible the conversation turned ugly. When the leader heard that I wasn�t reading enough to his satisfaction he lit into me something fierce. When I read the Bible enough then I will have my questions answered he said angrily. You would of thought I murdered a baby. The leader monopolized the whole conversation while Tom was pretty much silent. From the look on Tom�s face he didn�t care for that role. The leader mentioned that he only said these things because he cared about me. I wished that he didn�t care. On the way home I thought how dare he tell me how often I should read the bible. I hate it when anybody assumes anything about me. I thought he was a pompous jerk. Not long after I was encouraged to go to a workshop about re-learn evangelizing. They had Bible regurgitating tests and they pressured people to bring friends to Church the next Sunday. If a group count didn�t match the amount of people already estimated verbal scoldings were divvied out. One preacher said we (the leaders) aren�t telling you how many people to bring. You come up with the numbers (as a group). He was particularly obnoxious. His sermons during the time were lessons in mind control. He talked about his daughter complaining that she wanted to spend more time with him. He said he would but she has to learn that the "kingdom" comes first. He was basically saying never mind your family we come first. He also discussed the Boston Church of Christ being called a cult. "They don�t know what they are talking about. We are committed to the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ. The devil is out to stop us every chance he gets." He was a very good mind controller. For all the Church�s talk about the lost my opinion is the real lost are the men and women in the church. I met men who had the worse family lives you can imagine. One man was left in the middle of no where at 8 years old by his alcoholic mother and had to find his own way home. Another man had a grown son that threatened to kill him. Another man had spent years as a drug dealer. These were people who had serious problems. As I know from personal experience a connection to any loving group can seem better than being alone. The Boston Church of Christ takes advantage of people�s vulnerabilities. They get you to care about them. Then they use your desire to be loved to mind-control you. And if you show any sign of an independent mind they try to squash it. They say you are not "humble" enough. Weeks went by and I felt more and more like I didn�t belong. The more they talked about baptizing me the more I wanted to run in the other direction. Around that time I went out to dinner with a number of the "brothers and sisters". It was okay enough. The part I remember was how much they used the buzz words of the church. It was almost like an unspoken connection, I am one of you. One man and one woman talked to each other about their latest sins. As though that were normal conversation. Shortly before I decided to leave the church I asked Tom if I could ride with him to church. During the ride he started talking about sexual sin. The conversation wasn�t even going in that direction. Out of no where he started to discuss sexual sin�s relationship with mental illness. He was the one with mental illness, I thought. I realized he was crazy and that I shouldn�t be near him again. But he was the church. What he did the church did or excused. I realized I didn�t fit in. But I didn�t want to give up the love either. Another event occurred around this time that made me realize it was time to stop going to the church. During a Bible-Talk one of the "brothers" told me about the church�s web site. When I went to the Internet I searched for the site. What I found was something different. I found a web site that described the church as a cult. It had articles like "Has Mind Control Come to Beantown?" I knew after reading that article that it had. I actually already knew from my own experience. These article confirmed my thoughts of the church. I realized I wasn�t crazy. What I *thought* was wrong about the church *was* wrong with the church. The mind control, obsession with baptizing and absolute authority from men like Tom. If the church was so honorable and good why was it getting kicked off college [campuses] nation-wide? I also realized that all the problems I had with the church that also were being written about by other people was not a coincidence. It was a psychological relief for me to believe that I was not crazy. The church�s bad behavior was not my fault. It was theirs. For curiosity I asked people in the church about it. One never heard about it. Another man did. He mentioned that he and his discipler downloaded those articles and looked at them themselves. His response was not surprising. He said "That Satan is everywhere, trying to keep people from doing good." As much as I still loved this man I knew at that moment he was one of them. Another Bible study I went to included me, Tom and two other men. General Bible issues were discussed. One in particular was about sin. Tom said that sin was like cancer that just eats away at you. Until you change the sin it will keep eating away at you. He asked me if I had �cancer� in my life. He asked me how long was I going to go on with it in my life. And do I want to get rid of it? I said yes. He told me that he loves me. I said that I love him too. We finished the talk and the prayers. After which we hugged. Up to that moment I made a point of not seeing Tom. I felt uncomfortable around him. With the hug I felt as good and loved as when I first met him. When I hugged him I never wanted to let him go. It felt good being loved. I missed it. I decided to go to one more singles event before leaving the church permanently. One weekend, the married members went to Rhode Island. That Sunday night one of them returned to preach to all the single members. He spoke to an audience of a couple of hundred people. He started out by saying thanks to all the people who had watched the married members� kids. He said that at the retreat they prayed that more single members would join them next year as married people themselves. He then talked about the retreat. How everyone had a great time. He mentioned discussing things that improve a marriage. One topic was sex. The man�s father and mother-in-law were the guest speakers: Al and Gloria Baird. He said "Only in the �kingdom� would you talk about sex with your father-in-law." All I could think of was yuck, that is disgusting. Everyone in the audience said amen. Later he talked about the bad things involved in being single. Particularly the risk of sin. Especially you guessed it, sexual sin. He went on to describe sexual sin in a way that would have made Tom proud. I thought it was particularly distasteful with young kids in the audience. But no parent walked out. They allowed him to talk about sex with kids under 9 years old listening. One positive thing from that night was seeing a guy who I had known only as an acquaintance. He came up to me and said hi. He gave me the warmest, most loving hug I ever had. When I was in his arms I felt so safe. The world could have ended and I wouldn�t have cared. I never felt that way in my life. It felt like hugging God. It gave me such peace that I went for another hug at the end of our talk. That hug made me feel equally safe. I knew when I left that the hugs would be the most painful thing to leave behind. The hugs from that man in particular. When I get lonely today I remember those hugs. When I finally did decide to leave the one I spoke to about it was my main discipler. He was very understanding. He said to do what made me feel comfortable. He was not like the other men. He said if this church is not for me that I should try another church. He was basically saying don�t give up on God. That is how I knew he was different. Even with specific issues he would say logically that the church believes in living by the Bible. He would not say "If you leave then you are going straight to Hell." He acknowledged that others in the church would not have liked him saying that I should attend another church. I got the impression that he agreed with my church assessments but did not want to say so. He struck me as being as lonely as I am. He said that he was willing to keep in touch. We did talk for a while by phone. A month or two went by after I stopped attending church. The loneliness that I knew would resurface did. It was excruciating and very painful. I was going through hug withdrawals. I had no one else to hug and that made me very lonely. It got so bad that I called up my former discipler and asked to go with him to Church the next Sunday. I figured that if I went one more time then the loneliness might not be as bad. If I could just be around them once more and be hugged. That Sunday I went to church. The subject of the sermon, ironically enough, was people who have fallen away. The preacher speaking said it was always good to actively seek out new people for the "kingdom." But to realize that not everyone will come aboard. Don�t fixate on people who have fallen away. Realize that it happens and go after people who want to be saved. After the sermon I saw two of the men I had studied with. They were very friendly. One of the men said (without knowing that I was there) that during the sermon he thought of me. He asked me if I liked the sermon. I said kind of. He joked "You can�t just say yes." During the service four teenagers got baptized. This man�s son and his son�s friend were two of them. Before they were baptized the head of the teen ministry came on stage to talk positively about the new converts. The first thing he said while referring to the teens was �job security.� The whole audience roared with laughter. One of the few pangs of truth that was spoken at the church. My friend invited me over to his house for the baptism party. Since I knew that this was going to be the last time I would probably ever see these people I went to the party. It was very nice. There was pizza, soda and cake. Wall-to-wall people paraded through the house. At one point they all gathered together and talked about the new disciples. How they had grown and matured spiritually. It was innocent enough in the beginning. Then one of the men started talking about how humble the boys have become. It puked me out. To me they were saying how good it was that they are following our mind control. They squelched individuality and originality in people of all ages. When I left I looked at the house one last time. I took in everything I could. Knowing I would never have those hugs and love again. I am not sorry I left. But I never had hugs like that before. I never had men who hugged me and told me that they love me. People in my life are cold and unfeeling. Unless they can get something out of me they don�t usually bother. Tom called me a few times trying to connect but kept getting my answering machine. I called him and left messages saying that I love him, will miss him and forgive him. I haven�t spoken to him since. The Boston Church of Christ brought me a lot of love in six months. More than I had in my entire life. Unfortunately they brought me a lot of pain too. Most of my life has been a series of Jekyll-and-Hyde people encounters. I looked at the church as an escape. The one place that I could be loved. For a while they gave it to me. But they wanted too much from me back. They wanted me to believe in Jesus exactly the way they did. The same went for reading the Bible. It was either their way or the wrong way. Ironically they were the ones who taught me about Christ and to believe in him and his ways. But that wasn�t good enough for them. My analogy is that the experience was similar to having a relationship with an insecure woman. Just being with her isn�t enough. After three dates you have to marry her and spend all of your time with her. The BCC was a spiritual equivalent of that. Ironically if they just left me alone and stopped pressuring me to conform to their ways I might still be attending their services. I might even have been baptized by now. I advise anyone reading this article not to join the BCC. The BCC is an emotional cult. The more time you spend with them the more emotional pain you face. The cult didn�t cause the pain that I am dealing with in my life. But they did make a bad situation worse. They tried to use me to fulfill their seating quota. And they caused me a lot of pain as a result. If you are in the BCC right now, I recommend getting out. Save yourself as soon as possible. They are not worth the pain they cause. If anyone wants to discuss my experiences with the BCC, or their own, feel free to e-mail me at [email protected] Brian Jones Dedham, MA
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